


Banned For Life

by StylishMileage



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Causing A Scene In The Whole Foods, Chaotic Lovers, Domestic Disputes, Explicit Language, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-28 23:58:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17192642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StylishMileage/pseuds/StylishMileage
Summary: Alfie and Tatiana take their chaotic sideshow to Whole Foods to do some grocery shopping. The experience is anything but calm.





	Banned For Life

“Did you bring the list, love?” Alfie Solomons asked as the couple approached the front doors.

“Yes, I brought the list,” a thick Russian accent replied back to him. The annoyance in her voice was obvious. Why she wanted to pick a fight at that moment at a Whole Foods, no one could be sure.

As they arrived at the entrance, a thin, blonde and quite attractive woman made a point to hold the door open for Alfie as he was coming in and she was heading out. He smiled back at her and tipped his hat as Tatiana looked on. This was the catalyst she would use. After three aisles of the silent treatment, Alfie had reached the end of his famously short patience.

“What the hell is wrong now?” He scrunched up his face to look menacing under that fuzzy beard. He knew what level of crazy he could be provoking and proceeded anyway.

“Nothing is wrong, you can eye-fuck the entire store if you would like, Mr. Solomons.” Tatiana threw an item in the shopping basket that she was holding and started to turn away.

“Don’t fucking start with that Mister shit!” Alfie didn’t even care that they were in the middle of a Whole Foods. This woman frequently sparked a mad passion in him, and an equal blind rage. True to their nature, there were no moderate emotions for them. It was either molten burning heat or frigid arctic ice and no in between. He swore she would be the death of him eventually.

Tatiana turned back to him and gave him a devilish smile that let him know he needed to brace himself. In the next moment, she grabbed a box of elbow macaroni for both hands and hurled them in his direction. Alfie ducked and dodged an onslaught of flying pasta trying to get closer to her. He had hoped to keep her from throwing more items down the aisle. Instead, she turned the corner knocking an end-cap display over in his path to slow him down. She let out a maniacal laugh as he turned the corner and a large jar of marinara missed his head by less than an inch. It exploded over the fresh produce on the wall behind them.

A security guard came out of the back hallway to attempt to control the disturbance.

“I’m going to call the police if you don’t leave now!” The guard had to yell over Alfie’s barked threats and Tatiana’s hysterical laughter. Alfie turned around to the guard and screamed back, spit flying out of his mouth, “Call the fucking police, then!”

Tatiana took advantage of Alfie’s back being turned and chucked a well placed can of beans that landed square on his left shoulder. Alfie yelped and then took off running after her again. She reached the prepped food buffet and drilled handfuls of salad at him as she put the food bar between them. He reached across under the sneeze guard to grab her by the arm. At the same time, he felt the floor seem to come out from underneath him only to connect again with it hard when he hit the ground. He was confused for a moment until he reached his other arm around and felt the barbs from a taser sticking into the back of his arm. The police reached the scene, assumed Alfie was the aggressor and tazed him. Tatiana looked on with a smug expression on her face. Alfie laid there silent, staring daggers at her as the police handcuffed him and helped him to his feet. An officer reached out to take Tatiana by the arm and they were met with a wrapped lunch burrito thrown at their head. Two more officers had to help corner her and physically carry her from the store by her arms and legs while she screamed and laughed.

By the time they reached the police station, they both cooled off and smiled beautifully for their “his and hers” mug shots. The police were surprised when neither wanted to press any charges on the other. They agreed to pay damages to the Whole Foods and paid their bail to go home. Ultimately, they paid the Whole Foods $1500.00 pounds and were banned from ever going to any of the chain’s stores again. They broke the bed later that night as well. Alfie told himself he only put up with this shit for the makeup sex, but really he wouldn’t trade this crazy Russian broad for anything.

Two weeks later:

“Did you bring the list?” Tatiana asked calmly.

“Yeah I brought it, love.” Alfie winked at her.

They walked hand in hand through the large Tesco entrance.


End file.
